Thanks for the Feedback by Sheila Heen and Douglas Stone

This is the best book I’ve read this year. It has already given me lots of growth ideas both personally and professionally.  I recommend this book to anyone who wants to get better at listening, and especially to Product Managers where listening is an essential job function. Here are my key takeaways:

  1. Understand what’s beneath the label.  Our brains put order to the world by slapping a label on incoming data.  The feedback you get will come in the form of a label. Get under the label to understand 1) what the data is, and 2) where the feedback is coming from. A salesperson being told by the boss “you’re too laid back when you sell” is actually saying that the customer is interpreting the salesperson's gestures and language as a lack of care. “Laid back” was the label chosen here. The boss might have some experience with losing deals when customers feel this way, and that’s good information to find out.  Keep in mind that all feedback are autobiographical; it stems from the feedback-giver’s personal experience. So ask questions to uncover what’s beneath the label.
  2. Ask "What do you see me doing or failing to do that is getting in my own way?” Look for consistent feedback. Look for the same data with different interpretations.  Keep in mind that feedback is autobiographical, it is important to look under the label and uncover the data, which provides the patterns.
  3. Emotions distort the feedback.  Our feelings color the story we tell.  If we are frustrated we tell a frustrated story. If we are sad we tell a dark story. When we Google ourselves while in a good mood, we focus on all the great press; but when in a bad mood, we focus on the bad press. So the facts or thoughts we focus on will vary with our emotion.  This go both ways. Sometimes the thoughts cause emotion instead.  For example, I am running late to organize an event and start imagining all the possible disasters (thoughts).  this causes me to feel panicked that the event will fall apart without me (emotion). Now when I arrive and the tables are not delivered yet, I might jump to the conclusion that I have failed my clients and label myself a loser, all before checking the actual status of the missing tables.  There are multiple ways to counter this tendency:
    • Be prepared if you can.  Get into the feedback state of mind and dial your emotions to neutral.
    • Know your feedback reactions, notice what is happening
    • Separate the stands, in every feedback situation there are four strands:
      • The feeling, the story you tell yourself, the threat, the actual feedback
    • Right size your feedback, here are some ways to keep the feedback in perspective
      • Create a feedback containment chart.  Create 2 columns: (1) what is the feedback about, (2) what is the feedback not about.   Stay balanced, not everything, and not always.
      • Be aware of distortion. 2 categories, that do happen and things that might happen. Don’t overestimate negatives that might happen.
      • Chance your vantage point; imagine that the feedback was directed at someone else
      • Look back from the future 
      • Cast the comedy
      • Accept you can't control how others see you
      • Have compassion for the feedback giver
      • Note for parents: If your child was told they are stupid by another, don't just say 'you are not stupid,' help your child separate the feedback using this technique so she can realize for herself that she is not stupid
  4. People cannot hear their own tones. A part of our brain specializes in interpreting tone, but our own voice bypasses this part of our brain.  That means I can’t hear my own tone when giving feedback to others, nor can my feedback giver hear his own tone. Knowing this helps you realize that your message may be mis-construed by your listener, and vice versa.  Always check that the message was received as intended.  
  5. Intentions vs impact
    • People don't see your intentions only your impacts. You tend to self evaluate based on intention. This is a disconnect.
  6. Corporations need to have feedback systems that separate appreciation, coaching and evaluation
  7. All feedback are autobiographical. It tells more about the feedback giver than then feedback receiver. The experiences of the feedback giver strongly colors the feedback.
  8. People have two main, in-born tendencies towards feedback. These two tendencies are:
    1. Recovery time from negative feedback
    2. Sustain time of positive feedback

  • I drew the graph below to show how the different ends on each tendency will affect how the person perceives feedback.  

  • If the feedback giver and the feedback receiver have different tendencies, then the communication can be skewed. For example, if a 'Hates Feedback' person is given a direct negative feedback, she is likely to take the feedback very hard. On the contrary, if the 'Loves Feedback' person is given a direct negative feedback, it will 'roll right off her back.' Her fast recovery from negative feedback means she will likely fail to take action from the feedback. It is necessary in this scenario to repeat feedback for the second person, and lighten the feedback for the first person.
  • People tend to be a ratio of 50/40/10 corresponding to in-born tendencies/ personal interpretation of feedback /situation. This means everyone can self-influence up to 40% of the feedback message.
There is so much more than what I've listed here. Get the book already!